Case #31: Voice

[19centconstable]

Detective Hoffman: I'm going to be your warden!

[George sounds quite pleased.]

...

I'm going to wait to read your file until after I've eaten, if that's alright.

Er. Did anyone else happen to speak to someone who knew me over the weekend? I spoke to a very nice dog...

Comments

Ham and Jam and Spam-a-lot. :D

[expectremorse.livejournal.com]

[Hofffman's room is...well, it's not a mess. There are a few boxes by the end as he moves to the closet and pulls out a uniform.]

It doesn't fit me anymore but that's to be expected. [He ran a hand over it] But you see the hat? The best part.

[He studied it for a long time before looking away.]

No fucking point in living in the past though.

Sir Spam-a-lot

[19centconstable.livejournal.com]

[George eyes the hat politely and does not comment. It looks quite flimsy.]

I do agree. But there's also nothing which says you are never allowed to try again.

Re: Sir Spam-a-lot

[expectremorse.livejournal.com]

[Hoffman looks at him. Then sits. Heavily.]

I've killed over forty people.

Re: Sir Spam-a-lot

[19centconstable.livejournal.com]

Do you regret doing so?

[expectremorse.livejournal.com]

[Hoffman glares at the floor] I've lost everything haven't I? I've destroyed everything haven't I?

I made my sister cry.

[19centconstable.livejournal.com]

[George sits lightly.]

That's regretting the consequences. But it is a step in the right direction.

[expectremorse.livejournal.com]

[Hoffman looks to him] You...got a team? Guys you work with? Friends?

[19centconstable.livejournal.com]

Yes. Detective Murdoch, who I've mentioned, who is my mentor, and young Higgins who I like to think of as my protege. And the Inspector, who is our boss.

[expectremorse.livejournal.com]

...How would you...honor them? If they passed away?

[19centconstable.livejournal.com]

That isn't something I'd like to think about.

Attend their services, visit their graves, and keep them in my prayers. Perhaps a plaque in the station, if we could afford it.

[expectremorse.livejournal.com]

My friends are dead.

[Hoffman's hand goes back to his uniform]

...I'm sorry. IF it's something you don't want to talk about it...it can wait. I'm sorry to have bothered you.

[19centconstable.livejournal.com]

It's quite alright. I don't think it's something anyone likes to think about. And there have been times I have come close to losing them before. Higgins in particular has developed a terrible habit of being taken hostage.

But I'm sorry for your loss. Is there any reason in particular that you bring it up? Or does it simply weigh on you?

[expectremorse.livejournal.com]

[They're already talking. Hoffman's taking note of that. When he talks, his voice is very, very, soft.]

Everyone has been saying I don't care. Amanda accused me of it after Sarah left. She woke up and started screaming and crying and ripping her hair out.

The thing is...I loved Sarah. Or at least I thought I did. She was Amanda's warden but...I wanted to be there for her. And I..

I kissed her. I doubt she ever told anyone about it. I thought I did care, but if I did...wouldn't I have been as broken up as Amanda? If not moreso? I don't...




I do care. I can't lie to myself about that. About everyone here.

[19centconstable.livejournal.com]

Then everyone is wrong. You're the only one who is fit to judge how you feel. Some people simply don't cry, particularly we men.

[expectremorse.livejournal.com]

[Hoffman has cried lots of times in front of people. He makes a point then never to cry in front of George. All the same.]

...What do we do?

I've just..[he leaned forward, hands balled into fists as he stared at the floor with his eyes on the carpet. It's carpet Jill bought-he remembered that now.

He makes a note to change it-never thinking to ask the man beside him.]


I want to do something. To honor them somehow. Not just my friends-but Sarah, and Lupin....I want to show people that they matter to me.

[19centconstable.livejournal.com]

Well that's the point: everyone mourns in their own way.

[George smiles encouragingly.]

I think that would be a lovely idea.

[expectremorse.livejournal.com]

[bitter laugh]

It's easier said then done. I tried it but...

[he burst into tears and ran out.]

...Well.




If you think up any ideas, perhaps you could tell me.

[19centconstable.livejournal.com]

What would you want someone to do for you?

[expectremorse.livejournal.com]

...Memorial service. [Hoffman pauses] I dunno, not with the flag and the whole bit-but just for people to know what I'd done.

And flowers somewhere. And Candles.

[19centconstable.livejournal.com]

Candles might be dangerous, but I'm certain there are places you could plant flowers in someone's honor. I would speak to the garden staff.

[expectremorse.livejournal.com]

...You would?

[Hoffman sits up a little at that] I'd take care of them. Nice little rock or something with them.

...What do you think?

[19centconstable.livejournal.com]

Of course. You could speak to them with me, or even on your own if you'd like. I couldn't see them refusing such a request.

You could even engrave something on the rock as well.

[expectremorse.livejournal.com]

I don't like to ask the admiral for things. [Hoffman paused] but as long as we're sure that he'll be there I could ask him for a rock, or a plaque.

Everyone deserves a tombstone.





When I think of how many people I denied that....

[Hoffman looks vaguely sick for a moment. He puts his hands on his knees and stares down at the carpet]

[19centconstable.livejournal.com]

You feel badly?

[expectremorse.livejournal.com]

[Hoffman squeezes his hands together]

...I'm just...


I miss them.